This isn't exactly a new or even a unique story, but it's recently become a large part of my life again. The joyful part anyway.
I grew up using pornography and as an adult found that I couldn't stop and that it was a disease in my life. This is the story of how God pulled me out of the swamp.
Using and Addiction
The story of my use of pornography and subsequent addiction is typical. I was introduced at an early age and soon found it to be an effective way to hide from the pains of life. I struggled with it in a cycle of abstinence and relapse into adulthood. Once fully submerged in the swamp of addiction, I felt ashamed, scared, hopeless and desperate. I learned what living without agency meant. I'd never think of agency the same again.
Thoughts of abandoning my values, my religion, and even occasionally of taking my life kept me scared, desperate and humble enough to keep trying. I knew I was close to catastrophe. It was a very dark time where paradoxically, the only relief was porn.
Moved to repentance
During the Christmas season of 2008 I found myself reading a book about repentance. I had been led to the book by God and some promises that I had made to myself and to my wife Shannon. Through the book I was prompted to make a complete list of my sins and prepare to repent of every last one. But repenting of this addiction was a looming mountain because I'd have to tell my wife Shannon and that could change our lives and the lives of our kids in disastrous ways. So I hesitated.
God didn't give up though. He strengthened me and led me on. He just kept showing me the image of the meeting with Shannon and giving me just enough peace to sustain me. He practically scheduled it for me. I remember it would be a very specific Thursday in February, 2009.
The day came and somehow I was able to go through with it. It was a rough time after that. Shannon was deeply, deeply hurt which in turn tore me apart. I leaned in to God and gave up to Him that night and over the next few months which were full of meetings with our bishop and my first 12-Step Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) meetings.
Hard times
Both Shannon and I struggled. Shannon managed to stay with me and I managed to stay with God. ARP offered us both some hope as well as a brotherhood and sisterhood. Not to mention some great friends to walk this path with.
Both powers were working intensely for and against me during this time. Some of the sweetest, most powerful spiritual experiences of my life happened then. But there were also times of desperate, angry prayers at the top of my voice and with hot tears pleading for relief as the fear of relapse and aching for an end to the pain enveloped me.
Healing
The fear of relapse and the idea of healing became major themes in my thoughts and prayers. Could someone actually be healed of this addiction? The 12-step program said once an addict, always an addict. But things kept coming up that sustained the question in my mind.
At an ARP meeting, a brother suggested that when Christ said, “Go and sin no more.” The meaning was like that of the healing command, “Take up your bed and walk.” My spirit jumped inside me. It hit me with an unfamiliar intensity, and I shared the experience with Shannon that night and decided to ask God about it. The idea was too good to be true.
The next morning, I asked, and I kept asking during the day at work. On my commute home, I began pondering the story of Christ healing the boy possessed by a devil after descending the mount of transfiguration. The boy's father believed that Christ could heal his son, but he knew his belief was limited. He begged Christ to 'help him his unbelief'. The presence of the spirit became very strong, and I was encouraged to ask God to help my unbelief. I resisted, but the pressing feeling persisted and eventually, while turning left at a now sacred-to-me intersection, I did.
What followed can't be put into words. I can only say that something was done in me and by the time I rolled out of that intersection, I was in tears of joy and I knew, knew, knew - knew! - that I was no longer addicted to pornography. I cried and worshiped all the way home and still in tears told Shannon and all our kids that God had healed me.
Giving back
I continued going to ARP meetings, but now I was giving back. I was known to hand out a pass-along card with a picture of Christ healing the blind man and the words "Then why not you?" written on the back. In the years after, I served as an ARP facilitator and experienced amazing joy watching and helping others fight this battle. Some lost their battles and turned back which still hurts today. Others fight on to this day. God doesn't heal everyone who asks. Why that is is still a question I walk with. But He sustains and aids and carries and upholds and loves and loves and loves every warrior. And that's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
Shannon found a way to forgive me. Another blessing I'll forever cherish.
Happily ever after?
Not quite. You see, at some point after healing and years of giving back, I felt that I was done. So, I moved on. Many years passed without any problem. Then slowly, I began to justify lingering a little too long on questionable images and little by little porn crept back into my life. I used it occasionally over several years to medicate a growing issue with anxiety and feelings of being stuck and lost. Once again, I've had to live with shame and break my wife's heart.
This new use was not a result of the uncontrollable, pervasive longing and lack of agency that characterized my addiction. No, I had made new, bad choices.
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